Originally titled “The Dichotomy of Niceness and Kindness,” this was something I wrote on my LinkedIn newsletter two years ago. But it felt too…polished. Too careful. So I’m rewriting it: sharper, clearer, more me.

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A friend recently asked me, “Do you think you’re a nice person?”
I said, “Sometimes I’m not nice. But I want to be 100% kind.”

She looked confused. Like I just told her water isn’t wet.

But here’s the thing: niceness and kindness are not the same thing.

Niceness is social.

Kindness is intentional.

Being nice is about being agreeable, polite, smooth in conversation.
Being kind is about showing up, even when it’s uncomfortable, unpopular, or doesn’t benefit you.

And yeah, we confuse the two all the time. Partly because of the halo effect (a cognitive bias where one good trait makes us believe someone is all-around good). They smile? We assume they’re trustworthy. They’re articulate? We assume they follow through. Spoiler: not always.

Where this gets risky: long-term relationships.

Whether you’re hiring, picking a co-founder, or dating, mistaking “nice” for “kind” can backfire. Hard.

Nice people can charm you. Kind people will carry you when things get hard.
Nice can fake it. Kind keeps receipts.

I’ve seen this in business. I’ve worked with people who seemed sweet on the surface (polite, polished, maybe even generous) but had a me-first, zero-sum mindset. They didn’t want to build value. They wanted to extract it. Some of them didn’t even know they were doing it. They thought they were just “ambitious.”

That’s the halo effect in action.

Don’t fall for the shine. Look at the behavior.

As Charlie Munger said:

“Get toxic people out of your life. Do it fast.”

His definition of toxic? People who lie, manipulate, or flake.
It’s not about how they make you feel. It’s about what they do when no one’s watching.

What’s better than nice? Reciprocity.

Shane Parrish said it best:

“The more people you help, the more people you’ll have willing to help you.”

But this only works when both sides bring something to the table: honesty, consistency, follow-through.

Give me someone who’s blunt, reliable, and delivers over someone who’s nice but never hits a deadline. I’ll take that trade any day.

And yes, the golden combo is someone who’s both kind and pleasant.
(I collect those people like rare Magic The Gathering cards. They’re called gems. I try to be one too, with ‘try’ as the operating word.)

So how do you filter for real kindness?

• Look for alignment between words and actions
• Track patterns, not promises
• Have conversations that go past surface-level fluff

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Niceness is smooth. Kindness is solid.

Kindness isn’t about tone. It’s about intention. It’s about empathy with follow-through.
Nice might get you through the door. Kind keeps the relationship intact when the fire alarm goes off.

So yeah, I don’t care if I’m not always nice.
I care if I’m kind.